She’s Fighting For Her Freedom: Who The Hell Am I Here?

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There are times when I miss the bliss of ignorance…the contentment of giving up hope…the calm of not caring. I can’t even remember myself before our first conversation. What was I doing? How did I spend my time? I was going on Tagged…happily…not…sharing my time…or my life…or my personal details with any of the men to whom I talked. I never complicated anything…in any way. I would have been bored…but not to the point of desperation…alone…but not to the point of being lonely. I was okay…not…thinking about being held…or being kissed. I did not have fantasies about being with a man…because there was no man I desired. I would have been just fine…going the rest of my life this way. Then I answered your Tagged message…and my entire world began to spin out of my control…and it has been spinning out of my control ever since that night.

So…I have decided to…ride the wave of anguish that sometimes overcomes me…for the sake of the happiness that washes me in its warmth when we talk. I am learning to take the bitter with the sweet, when I was once okay with the occasional sweetness of a warm breeze or a gentle rain. I am learning patience where once I had…nothing to wait for…to endure pain where once…pain…could not touch me… and to trust in another…where I once…trusted only myself. I have turned from my instincts…my most faithful guide…and now walk fearful…and helpless…towards an unsure future. So….in the midst of skepticism…that has made me more aware of all there is to gain… and all there is to lose…I will err on the side of caution…and see the 99% versus the 1%. I will also remember that one way of life has been around a lot longer than another…and as I straddle this fence of uncertainty…I now know…that I will be fine…no matter on which side I land.

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